I fucking hate children. There, I said it. I mean, I love my kids with all my heart. I really do. I love them for the unique little individuals they are and for the funny things they do. And for their potential. But I hate, hate, hate the constant messes. The whining. The constant asking for a snack and then not being hungry for dinner. The tantrum every night when I say it's bedtime. The tantrum every time I say it's time to leave the playground. I didn't have kids because I enjoy kids. I had them because I wanted to create individuals and share my values with them. I can't wait for them to grow up. Jack is almost 7 and we're starting to have mature conversations and I LOVE that. He has offered some really great insights. He's also really decreased the tantrums and whining. So basically I just suffer through the preschool years so I can reap the rewards of older kids. I like them more the older they get. But even though plenty of sanctimommies and sanctigrannies say to enjoy the toys everywhere and sticky walls because you'll miss that when they grow up, I. WILL. NOT. Nope. Never.
Because I have to think deeply on everything that enters my head, I'm also going to comment on the social narrative that women are supposed to enjoy childcare. That narrative led me to believe that stay at home mommyhood would be absolutely the best thing ever, even though I was terrified I would hate it. Guess what? I was right. I shudder to think how many women aren't giving their best to the world because they are trapped in SAHM-hood. Because they didn't ever reach their educational potential because they were always told having kids would make them happier, and it's super hard to get education for a high paying job when you already have munchkins running around. My girls will NOT be taught that narrative. I mean, dammit I want grandkids, but not at the expense of my girls' happiness. Hopefully they'll grow up in a world where they can reach their potential AND share equally in childcare with their spouses so I get my grandkids. But LOLOLOLOL we just elected Donald Trump, gender equality ain't coming to the US anytime soon.
I mean, think of all the talented women who aren't out discovering alternative energy technology and solving the world's problems because of this social narrative. Think of all the men out there who would be SO great at being stay at home dads but aren't because they're expected to "provide" and now they hate their jobs. How much better would the world be if everyone was encouraged to foster their own unique talents regardless of gender, race, economic standing, etc. What can I say, I'm a dreamer.
I also realize that the fact that I can even envision a life where I reached my potential instead of going along with the narrative is a sign of my extreme privilege. I mean, I'm white and relatively well off. The only thing holding me back was the idea that I was "supposed" to be a stay at home mom. If I had been black and poor, there would have been a whole lot more obstacles than that.
Being raised Mormon is definitely a large part of why I feel this narrative held me back, but it would be short sighted to think it's just a Mormon thing or even just a Christianity thing.
So if I hate kids so much, why do I have three of them? Well, there's really no turning off that biological urge. And like I said I wanted to raise good individuals and pass on my values to them. I credit that with bringing me the first two. I thought I could be done after that, but I was still pretty steeped in the Mormon idea that two was not enough in 2014 when I got pregnant with Violet. But make no mistake, even though she drives me batshit, I'm fucking glad I have her. Her personality rocks. She's going to grow up to be one kickass woman. But one thing's for sure. I am DONE. This baby factory is closed. I also have great respect for anyone who fosters or adopts. I won't be doing that. I can barely handle my 3. I will be donating money to organizations that help people who foster and adopt though (as long as they aren't the type that are like white people who want to adopt black babies to "save" them. That shit can go die in a fire). I just can't do it myself.
Once in a while I get a twinge for a fourth. I know I can't be pregnant again or handle another child but I do get that twinge. I've boiled it down to one fear. I'm not sure if it's a rational fear or not, but here it is. I am legitimately scared that people with progressive beliefs do not reproduce at as high of a rate as conservative folks. If the conservatives keep making more conservatives, and progressives don't keep up, where is that going to get us in the future?!? So should I do my part by raising one more progressive voter? Or is that a completely irrational idea? And how does that balance against the whole "more people are bad for the planet" thing. I mean if the only people reproducing at a high rate are people who believe God will rapture them before we destroy the planet, then does my having one who I will teach to care for the planet actually justify bringing another human into the world? Arghhhh. Life's frustrating, unanswerable questions.
A later post: what things specifically about my upbringing do I feel held me back from having a bigger career and what would I do if I had it to do over
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