Abortion. There's a loaded topic that will get people fired up in a hurry. This is for you, kids. If I never get a chance to tell you, I want you to know that your mother was passionately pro-choice. And in case the terminology changes, that means I am in favor of legal, safe, widely accessible abortion so that anyone seeking an abortion can get one regardless of income or social status.
Why, you ask? Upon learning what abortion is, your knee-jerk reaction might be "how could someone be in favor of that?! It's murder! Save the babies!" I know because that was my reaction when my mother told me what abortion was when I was ten or so. It was also my mother's opinion, so I'm sure that's a lot of the reason why I felt that way. Being against abortion is termed "pro-life." This is a misnomer for many reasons, but that's a whole other post.
I learned a bit later that the church's stance on abortion was that it was okay if a pregnancy was a result of rape or incest, or if the mother's life was in danger. Other than that, it was considered a grave sin. I agreed with this and considered myself pro-life. I vaguely thought that yeah, it should be legal if someone is in one of those situations, but not for people who just forgot to use birth control. But this stance, which is actually quite liberal in comparison to the stances of most Christian denominations, is actually a pro-choice stance. I learned this later in life. And after years and years of being pro-life, this stance along with my experiences working as a labor and delivery nurse, made me realize I was actually massively pro-choice.
I honestly never really thought about it until my cousin became pregnant after being raped in 2007. She decided to keep her baby, but I thought to myself at the time it would also be a perfectly valid choice to have an abortion. I'm glad she had the choice. But there's a dark side as well. She never pressed charges against her rapist, because then he would know he had a child. And what if she wasn't able to prove it? Then he could perhaps sue for paternity rights and even partial custody. A nightmare scenario if there ever was one. She just has to hope she never runs into him and he never finds out he fathered her child.
At that point I realized that abortion needed to be available for anyone, because rape is incredibly difficult to prove. If you make a pregnant rape victim prove they were raped before getting an abortion, many of them will never get that abortion. Does this mean that someone who got pregnant because their condom broke during consensual sex could just say it was rape and get an abortion? Yes it does. This is why I still couldn't bring myself to say out loud that I was pro-choice. I still couldn't stand the thought of someone aborting just because it was inconvenient for them to be pregnant.
It was working in labor and delivery that finally turned me into a proud pro-choicer. There is a lot of poverty in Erie and with poverty comes people in the worst kind of situations. I saw a couple pregnant 13 year olds (even if it wasn't violent rape, a 13 year old cannot consent and any sex with a child that age is rape). I saw even older teens and women in absolutely awful situations. Many who didn't even want babies. There are no doctors in Erie who perform abortions and these girls and women did not have the means to travel for it. So they are stuck with babies they cannot take care of. And then they get demonized and criticized for using food stamps and medicaid. I finally admitted to myself that I was perfectly fine with anyone who feels like they need an abortion having one. That way all the rape victims can get one. All the women in abusive relationships don't have to bring a baby into it. Were some of them irresponsible? Could they have just not had sex or used a condom? Sure. But I can't judge who is in what situation. So I became a proud proponent of abortion being widely available for everyone.
There are many facets of my pro-choice beliefs, but I'm just going to go into one more here. Another part of my transition from pro-life to pro-choice was realizing the importance of bodily autonomy. As long as it affects an individual's body, it is their fucking choice. You can believe it is a baby from the moment of conception. Hell, you can believe every egg and sperm is sacred and should be given a chance at life. You can believe it is murder to abort a pregnancy. But as long as that baby is living inside someone's body, it is the owner of that body's choice what happens to it. The minute it's out, baby is an autonomous individual with full human rights. Before that, the mother's rights trump the baby's. Which means a person can believe abortion is a sin, murder, etc, and still believe it should be legal. End of discussion.
Why do I feel so strongly about this? Many reasons. One is because I have been pregnant and I know how awful it is on your body. I dealt with debilitating sickness for the first 18 weeks of each pregnancy. And I had it good. Many people get much sicker. And it is not uncommon for pregnancy to kill the mother. I think you can only fully understand this once you witness it. I've witnessed it. I've watched a patient be killed by her pregnancy. A mother of three. Women have the right to defend their bodies from harm and death. It is the height of hypocrisy that the same people who believe they have the right to kill someone with a gun if they "feel threatened" don't think a woman has a right to defend her body from the threats of pregnancy. And as a side note, a woman is far more likely from pregnancy-related causes than it is for the average American to be killed by a home intruder. But this fear is used all the time to justify having zero gun regulations, even though guns kill thousands of living, breathing humans every year.
Would I ever have an abortion and do I personally think it is wrong? I think for me, I do tend to believe it is wrong. But only for me, I'd never presume to tell someone else it's wrong for them. I loved each of my babies from the moment I saw two pink lines. But I'd never say never because life simply isn't black and white. If I was raped, I don't think I'd keep a resulting pregnancy. If my life was in possible danger, ie if cancer was found early in a pregnancy and I'd have a better chance of survival by terminating to begin cancer treatment, I would absolutely terminate. My life is worth more than a tiny embryo. My other children need me. If I found out at 20 weeks my child had a fatal anomaly and any life it had would be painful, I would definitely terminate. If it was something like Down syndrome or other non-fatal but life altering condition, I probably wouldn't terminate, but I would be glad that I have the choice. If I find out next week that I'm pregnant with an oops baby even though I thought I was done having kids, I wouldn't terminate. But I am a well off white woman with only my tiny perspective on life. It is not my place to judge someone else's choices based on their own perspectives and values.
There are many other facets of abortion and reproductive rights to be discussed but I'll come back to those in later posts. Right now I'm in Denver with Derek for a job interview. He's off impressing big shots and I'm alone in a swanky hotel room while the kids are back home with Grandma Teri. Heaven.
Monday, December 12, 2016
Friday, December 9, 2016
More on the 2016 election aftermath
Obviously a whole lot was going on in the world as we were forced to accept the idea that Trump had won the presidency. But that's all documented out there in the form of news sources and I'll give my opinion on that as it comes up. For now, I'm focusing on the aftermath in my personal life.
The first SNL episode after the election was obviously somber. Kate McKinnon sang a beautiful rendition of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" that really captured what I was feeling. It was timely because in addition to the election news, Cohen died that week. (If I was 80+ I'd have picked that week to say "peace out bitches" too). I didn't watch the whole episode, just the Hallelujah opener and a skit of Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock watching the election news unfold with some white people. The white people went in confident that the country would do the right thing, but the black men weren't so sure. The white girls watched in shock as it unfolded and after it was over, they were crying that "this might be the worst thing America has ever done!" while Dave and Chris laughed and were utterly unsurprised.
I was so those white girls (though I'd like to think I was at least not so dense as to think this is the worst thing America has ever done). I didn't see this coming. I thought Donald's getting the nomination was a fluke. I trusted the polls that said Clinton would most likely win. I thought there was no way enough people actually liked him. America is mostly good! Somehow I thought we were far enough removed from our legacy of being a country being built on race-based genocide and slavery! So it was a shock to me. It wasn't a shock to POC though. They know how shitty America really is because they live it every day. What a wake up call to my privilege. I mean, before the election I understood privilege on an academic level. I knew I had a whole lot of it. But it took this election for me to really understand it on an emotional, visceral level. I think the same is true for a whole lot of white liberals. I hate that this is what it took. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm working hard on figuring that out.
The election triggered a major depressive episode in me. I've always been prone to depression and I've been on meds for it before, but I've never had an episode like this. I lost my will to do anything. I lost my appetite. I even wanted to die (I wouldn't say I was actually suicidal, but I had thoughts like that I wouldn't mind if a semi were to broadside my car and take me out quickly). Luckily, I am a super privileged doctor wife and my husband immediately restarted me on my meds and I was able to get it under control within a couple weeks. I'm feeling much better now. Still obviously terrified for the future, but I'm able to function and feel happiness again.
I still had some privilege lessons to learn though. As I got better, I realized that I'm surely not the only person in this country who slipped into major depression after the election. But we still have a shitty healthcare system and a whole lot of suffering people aren't able to get the help they need. They just have to live like that and try to keep functioning. Privilege lesson number 1.
Privilege lesson no. 2. I noticed something I didn't expect in those couple weeks. Many POC seemed to be functioning much better than me. They were posting cute kid pictures on facebook and going about their daily lives. My spoiled ass was confused. I thought to myself, they had a lot more to lose in this election than I did. Why weren't they more sad? It clicked when I watched the SNL skit (I'm hopeful that it would have clicked faster if I hadn't been in a depressed fog that week). This is life for them! They always have to live with this kind of disappointment in their fellow Americans! We are constantly letting them down and betraying them! My white liberal self is no exception! If they were always depressed about it they'd have no time to live life! Holy shit. Why did it take this election for me to see that. So help me God, my kids are going to be aware of that. They WILL understand their privilege. If me and all the other liberal parents out there can do that, well, that's our only hope for making sure America doesn't have to make this mistake again.
But America most likely will make this mistake again. The election made me want to completely relearn history. I was only ever taught the bullshit "city on a hill" version. I went to BYU, so my college American history course taught me that white colonizers who wiped out the native American population were "inspired by God" to find and start this country so that God's "one true church" could be founded here. For real. That's what I was taught. In fucking college! Have you ever heard anything so white Christian-centric? There was also a whole lot of talk about the founding fathers being "inspired men of God." Yep, inspired men of God apparently own slaves and have several mistresses and have no qualms about killing people they view as "savage" (read: brown people). Of course the constitution is mostly good. But romanticizing the men who wrote it helps no one.
So to start the process of relearning, I've been watching a documentary series on Netflix called "Oliver Stone's Untold History of the United States." It focuses on how we simply aren't told the darker parts of US history. I quickly learned that we've elected people like Trump before. Every time a progressive, peaceful movement starts, it gets squashed by greedy, white supremacist war hawks. See the administrations of Truman, Nixon, Reagan, Bush Jr, Trump. The people always vote for that, without fail. I wish the history taught in American public schools wasn't so whitewashed. It certainly would have helped me to see this coming.
The fact that Hillary won the popular vote (by a lot) is the only hope to cling to. More people wanted to continue the slow moving progressive movement that Obama worked so tirelessly on. It wasn't quite enough to overcome the outdated, racist electoral college. But maybe next time it will be. Is it naive of me to be that hopeful?
The first SNL episode after the election was obviously somber. Kate McKinnon sang a beautiful rendition of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" that really captured what I was feeling. It was timely because in addition to the election news, Cohen died that week. (If I was 80+ I'd have picked that week to say "peace out bitches" too). I didn't watch the whole episode, just the Hallelujah opener and a skit of Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock watching the election news unfold with some white people. The white people went in confident that the country would do the right thing, but the black men weren't so sure. The white girls watched in shock as it unfolded and after it was over, they were crying that "this might be the worst thing America has ever done!" while Dave and Chris laughed and were utterly unsurprised.
I was so those white girls (though I'd like to think I was at least not so dense as to think this is the worst thing America has ever done). I didn't see this coming. I thought Donald's getting the nomination was a fluke. I trusted the polls that said Clinton would most likely win. I thought there was no way enough people actually liked him. America is mostly good! Somehow I thought we were far enough removed from our legacy of being a country being built on race-based genocide and slavery! So it was a shock to me. It wasn't a shock to POC though. They know how shitty America really is because they live it every day. What a wake up call to my privilege. I mean, before the election I understood privilege on an academic level. I knew I had a whole lot of it. But it took this election for me to really understand it on an emotional, visceral level. I think the same is true for a whole lot of white liberals. I hate that this is what it took. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm working hard on figuring that out.
The election triggered a major depressive episode in me. I've always been prone to depression and I've been on meds for it before, but I've never had an episode like this. I lost my will to do anything. I lost my appetite. I even wanted to die (I wouldn't say I was actually suicidal, but I had thoughts like that I wouldn't mind if a semi were to broadside my car and take me out quickly). Luckily, I am a super privileged doctor wife and my husband immediately restarted me on my meds and I was able to get it under control within a couple weeks. I'm feeling much better now. Still obviously terrified for the future, but I'm able to function and feel happiness again.
I still had some privilege lessons to learn though. As I got better, I realized that I'm surely not the only person in this country who slipped into major depression after the election. But we still have a shitty healthcare system and a whole lot of suffering people aren't able to get the help they need. They just have to live like that and try to keep functioning. Privilege lesson number 1.
Privilege lesson no. 2. I noticed something I didn't expect in those couple weeks. Many POC seemed to be functioning much better than me. They were posting cute kid pictures on facebook and going about their daily lives. My spoiled ass was confused. I thought to myself, they had a lot more to lose in this election than I did. Why weren't they more sad? It clicked when I watched the SNL skit (I'm hopeful that it would have clicked faster if I hadn't been in a depressed fog that week). This is life for them! They always have to live with this kind of disappointment in their fellow Americans! We are constantly letting them down and betraying them! My white liberal self is no exception! If they were always depressed about it they'd have no time to live life! Holy shit. Why did it take this election for me to see that. So help me God, my kids are going to be aware of that. They WILL understand their privilege. If me and all the other liberal parents out there can do that, well, that's our only hope for making sure America doesn't have to make this mistake again.
But America most likely will make this mistake again. The election made me want to completely relearn history. I was only ever taught the bullshit "city on a hill" version. I went to BYU, so my college American history course taught me that white colonizers who wiped out the native American population were "inspired by God" to find and start this country so that God's "one true church" could be founded here. For real. That's what I was taught. In fucking college! Have you ever heard anything so white Christian-centric? There was also a whole lot of talk about the founding fathers being "inspired men of God." Yep, inspired men of God apparently own slaves and have several mistresses and have no qualms about killing people they view as "savage" (read: brown people). Of course the constitution is mostly good. But romanticizing the men who wrote it helps no one.
So to start the process of relearning, I've been watching a documentary series on Netflix called "Oliver Stone's Untold History of the United States." It focuses on how we simply aren't told the darker parts of US history. I quickly learned that we've elected people like Trump before. Every time a progressive, peaceful movement starts, it gets squashed by greedy, white supremacist war hawks. See the administrations of Truman, Nixon, Reagan, Bush Jr, Trump. The people always vote for that, without fail. I wish the history taught in American public schools wasn't so whitewashed. It certainly would have helped me to see this coming.
The fact that Hillary won the popular vote (by a lot) is the only hope to cling to. More people wanted to continue the slow moving progressive movement that Obama worked so tirelessly on. It wasn't quite enough to overcome the outdated, racist electoral college. But maybe next time it will be. Is it naive of me to be that hopeful?
Thursday, December 8, 2016
ideas for posts: white women telling black women they don't need to be scared, how to protest, etc
Kaep and the bizarre flag loyalty
Environmentalism and the classism of accusing people of hypocrisy if they don't have solar panels
The bullshit people believe about Hillary Clinton and the group who thought "I hate both but she's worse" or "they're both equally bad"
Conversations with Jack
Conversation with karie after the election
Birth control
Pro life misnomer
Election night
Ohio heartbeat bill and 20 week ban
Kaep and the bizarre flag loyalty
Environmentalism and the classism of accusing people of hypocrisy if they don't have solar panels
The bullshit people believe about Hillary Clinton and the group who thought "I hate both but she's worse" or "they're both equally bad"
Conversations with Jack
Conversation with karie after the election
Birth control
Pro life misnomer
Election night
Ohio heartbeat bill and 20 week ban
November 9, 2016
Ah, the day after the US elected Donald Trump. I mean, kinda sorta elected him. He received the majority of electoral votes but Hillary Clinton received nearly 3 million more popular votes. So the only thing to take heart in is that the majority of Americans didn't want this. But we are in a system that dates back to slavery that gives rural states more weight in both presidential elections AND congress. As if that's fair. "But if we didn't have the electoral college then only the major population centers of New York, California and Texas would decide the president!" they argue. So the fuck what? With the EC, the states of Ohio and Florida decide. Yep, apparently it's better to let the backward uneducated armpits of America decide the president. Because you know, those rural fuckers with no teeth and disdain for education who live in the wide, non-city swaths of Ohio and the fucking panhandle of Florida matter more and get more of a voice than the diverse people in the cities. What exactly do these people contribute to America? They refuse to learn new skills since losing their manufacturing and coal jobs to technology. The people in the cities fund their food stamps (because you know, if you're white and need food stamps it's because you fell on hard times, if you're black it's because you're a welfare queen. This is a fundamental cultural truth of America). By choice, they contribute almost nothing. And they would have helped themselves more by voting for a president who actually wants to help them! Hillary would have fought to get them access to health care and improve their job situations! They are so fucking stupid that they believe Donald Trump cares about more than just getting their votes.
But I digress. The day after the election. I didn't sleep on election night so I was in a fog. I cried for hours. I begged Derek to take a sick day because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle taking care of the kids (damn I am such a privileged asshole). So I laid in bed all day, on my phone. The only thing that made me feel better was to vent with my internet friends in my doctor spouse current event group (it's full of lefties like me so pretty great for political venting). Why my internet friends? Well, because being Mormon, I don't really know any other lefties in real life, let alone in this dump of a town. Now that I'm out of the church, the next time we move, I won't immediately be thrown into a circle of Mormons. I'm looking forward to finding new friends elsewhere. Anyway, my internet friends were great for discussing WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED type of things.
I also spent some time in another doctor spouse group that leans much more conservative. The Trump supporters had mostly been quiet in that group, save a few loud exceptions, before the election (because even in a conservative group it was pretty widely recognized that Trump was an asshole and you were an asshole if you supported him). But on November 9th they all came crawling out of their swamp or wherever it is racist gun-obsessed selfish assholes hide. I watched several DOCTOR WIVES defending their choice to vote for Trump. Like, you can't even claim that you're just a simple country bumpkin who heard that Hillary wants to take your guns and kill your babies and something about emails so you voted for the other guy. No, you are insanely economically privileged. You have the resources to know better. But you deliberately voted to keep everyone else down so you could stay on top. I'm still wrestling internally with the irony that I will very likely personally benefit from the decision those fuckers made to vote for him, because I am in their demographic, but I HATE it. I guess it's because while maybe I will pay less taxes or something, and I'm not brown or black or gay so it's not likely anyone will commit a hate crime against me, I feel like we would have ALL benefited from more inclusive policies. We ALL benefit when everyone has access to healthcare and decent education and isn't oppressed based on factors they can't control, like skin color. Because then everyone can contribute their best to society. But I learned that day that many, many doctor wives--which I'm extrapolating to well off white women everywhere, since most of that demo voted for Cheeto Benito--simply don't care. As long as they got theirs, which they do, fuck everyone else. It's almost like they believe they are somehow inherently better than people who aren't as privileged as them. Oh wait. Yeah. That's exactly what they believe.
Someone in that group, on the morning after the election, had the audacity to ask that everyone please be kind to Trump voters like herself. She had just been berated by her mother because she voted for Trump. Damn it, bitch, if I had raised a daughter to be a kind and caring individual and then found out she voted for Cheetolini I'd be fucking livid. A tongue lashing would be the least of her worries. I commented on the post that I couldn't wrap my head around the irony of Trump voters asking for kindness and respect when they elected a narcissist who espouses the opposite of that. The reply, given by a particularly crazy Trump supporter who I decided before this thread that I wouldn't engage with because wrestling with a pig and all that, commented that "I see him as kind and caring. No irony here." Just fucking what. How the hell do you argue with people who literally do not know reality from fantasy?
Here's a few more examples of the crazy I witnessed on the 9th. In the conservative group, we were discussing the anti-Trump protests and the thread got crazy. First, people jumped right to "looting and rioting" because that's what white people call it when a group of people who aren't all milky white congregate (if they're white it's a peaceful protest, yet another fundamental American truth). There were the usual calls of "well of course they have the right to protest, but they shouldn't block traffic! People might be late to work!" Idiots, if it didn't piss people off or inconvenience anyone it wouldn't be a protest. Then they started going off about a video where it looked like a couple black men were attacking a white man for voting for Trump (later shown to be a road rage incident, nothing to do with the election). It was just so awful, they said. Violence is never the answer! they said. Yes it was a sad video. But where were your fucking tears every time a black man was shot by a cop this year. There were several this year where video evidence showed there was NO need for the cop to shoot. Black women live in constant fear for their black husbands and sons. But these ladies don't care about that. They only care if someone is mad at a white Trump supporter. And then the thread kept going. They started complaining about the flag burners and someone said "burning a flag is just as bad as all the violence!" Yes, welcome to 2016 America, where a piece of fabric is just as important as a human life.
In still that same thread, I witnessed an example of fake news having real world consequences. I pointed out that if Hillary had won, the violence from the right would have likely been insane (I am still 100% sure that would have been the case). Someone told me that if I would just look at the FACTS instead of the LYING MEDIA, I'd know that the violence at Trump rallies was staged by Hillary supporters to make Trump look bad. I asked where I could find these facts. Ironically, she posted media sources as her evidence (I thought you couldn't trust any of them?) I followed a trail of a story that was almost completely fabricated. Turns out some right winger who has had legal consequences in the past for deceptively editing video posed as a volunteer for the Clinton campaign. He recorded someone there joking about wearing a planned parenthood t shirt to a Trump rally and then getting a Trump supporter to punch them. The poser goaded him into saying this. There is no evidence, not a scrap anywhere, that anyone actually did this, and the guy caught on tape resigned so as not to damage the campaign. So I looked at the FACTS and that's what they showed. I of course pointed this out, but the Trump supporter never replied to me. All I got was a reply from yet another Trump supporter who said "and it was all funded by Soros." I asked for evidence of that too, but never fucking got any. So this is the level of discourse we are dealing with. People believe this bullshit and propagate it, and when it's called out, they just ignore it.
I only lasted a couple more days in that group. There's no point in engaging with that kind of crazy. They weren't worth losing sleep over.
So that was my day on November 9th. It was the beginning of the process of my trying to make sense of this. I'm still working on that, but seeing right up close just how selfish privileged white women can be (because I'm privileged enough not to have noticed that before) was a huge clue. Fuck you, rich white women of America. Fuck you very much. From a fellow rich white woman of America.
But I digress. The day after the election. I didn't sleep on election night so I was in a fog. I cried for hours. I begged Derek to take a sick day because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle taking care of the kids (damn I am such a privileged asshole). So I laid in bed all day, on my phone. The only thing that made me feel better was to vent with my internet friends in my doctor spouse current event group (it's full of lefties like me so pretty great for political venting). Why my internet friends? Well, because being Mormon, I don't really know any other lefties in real life, let alone in this dump of a town. Now that I'm out of the church, the next time we move, I won't immediately be thrown into a circle of Mormons. I'm looking forward to finding new friends elsewhere. Anyway, my internet friends were great for discussing WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED type of things.
I also spent some time in another doctor spouse group that leans much more conservative. The Trump supporters had mostly been quiet in that group, save a few loud exceptions, before the election (because even in a conservative group it was pretty widely recognized that Trump was an asshole and you were an asshole if you supported him). But on November 9th they all came crawling out of their swamp or wherever it is racist gun-obsessed selfish assholes hide. I watched several DOCTOR WIVES defending their choice to vote for Trump. Like, you can't even claim that you're just a simple country bumpkin who heard that Hillary wants to take your guns and kill your babies and something about emails so you voted for the other guy. No, you are insanely economically privileged. You have the resources to know better. But you deliberately voted to keep everyone else down so you could stay on top. I'm still wrestling internally with the irony that I will very likely personally benefit from the decision those fuckers made to vote for him, because I am in their demographic, but I HATE it. I guess it's because while maybe I will pay less taxes or something, and I'm not brown or black or gay so it's not likely anyone will commit a hate crime against me, I feel like we would have ALL benefited from more inclusive policies. We ALL benefit when everyone has access to healthcare and decent education and isn't oppressed based on factors they can't control, like skin color. Because then everyone can contribute their best to society. But I learned that day that many, many doctor wives--which I'm extrapolating to well off white women everywhere, since most of that demo voted for Cheeto Benito--simply don't care. As long as they got theirs, which they do, fuck everyone else. It's almost like they believe they are somehow inherently better than people who aren't as privileged as them. Oh wait. Yeah. That's exactly what they believe.
Someone in that group, on the morning after the election, had the audacity to ask that everyone please be kind to Trump voters like herself. She had just been berated by her mother because she voted for Trump. Damn it, bitch, if I had raised a daughter to be a kind and caring individual and then found out she voted for Cheetolini I'd be fucking livid. A tongue lashing would be the least of her worries. I commented on the post that I couldn't wrap my head around the irony of Trump voters asking for kindness and respect when they elected a narcissist who espouses the opposite of that. The reply, given by a particularly crazy Trump supporter who I decided before this thread that I wouldn't engage with because wrestling with a pig and all that, commented that "I see him as kind and caring. No irony here." Just fucking what. How the hell do you argue with people who literally do not know reality from fantasy?
Here's a few more examples of the crazy I witnessed on the 9th. In the conservative group, we were discussing the anti-Trump protests and the thread got crazy. First, people jumped right to "looting and rioting" because that's what white people call it when a group of people who aren't all milky white congregate (if they're white it's a peaceful protest, yet another fundamental American truth). There were the usual calls of "well of course they have the right to protest, but they shouldn't block traffic! People might be late to work!" Idiots, if it didn't piss people off or inconvenience anyone it wouldn't be a protest. Then they started going off about a video where it looked like a couple black men were attacking a white man for voting for Trump (later shown to be a road rage incident, nothing to do with the election). It was just so awful, they said. Violence is never the answer! they said. Yes it was a sad video. But where were your fucking tears every time a black man was shot by a cop this year. There were several this year where video evidence showed there was NO need for the cop to shoot. Black women live in constant fear for their black husbands and sons. But these ladies don't care about that. They only care if someone is mad at a white Trump supporter. And then the thread kept going. They started complaining about the flag burners and someone said "burning a flag is just as bad as all the violence!" Yes, welcome to 2016 America, where a piece of fabric is just as important as a human life.
In still that same thread, I witnessed an example of fake news having real world consequences. I pointed out that if Hillary had won, the violence from the right would have likely been insane (I am still 100% sure that would have been the case). Someone told me that if I would just look at the FACTS instead of the LYING MEDIA, I'd know that the violence at Trump rallies was staged by Hillary supporters to make Trump look bad. I asked where I could find these facts. Ironically, she posted media sources as her evidence (I thought you couldn't trust any of them?) I followed a trail of a story that was almost completely fabricated. Turns out some right winger who has had legal consequences in the past for deceptively editing video posed as a volunteer for the Clinton campaign. He recorded someone there joking about wearing a planned parenthood t shirt to a Trump rally and then getting a Trump supporter to punch them. The poser goaded him into saying this. There is no evidence, not a scrap anywhere, that anyone actually did this, and the guy caught on tape resigned so as not to damage the campaign. So I looked at the FACTS and that's what they showed. I of course pointed this out, but the Trump supporter never replied to me. All I got was a reply from yet another Trump supporter who said "and it was all funded by Soros." I asked for evidence of that too, but never fucking got any. So this is the level of discourse we are dealing with. People believe this bullshit and propagate it, and when it's called out, they just ignore it.
I only lasted a couple more days in that group. There's no point in engaging with that kind of crazy. They weren't worth losing sleep over.
So that was my day on November 9th. It was the beginning of the process of my trying to make sense of this. I'm still working on that, but seeing right up close just how selfish privileged white women can be (because I'm privileged enough not to have noticed that before) was a huge clue. Fuck you, rich white women of America. Fuck you very much. From a fellow rich white woman of America.
Salt & Vinegar
My husband is out of town. He's interviewing for a job. He's pretty much awesome, so he basically has five different jobs in four different states all begging him to come work for them. Turns out being a doctor with computer skills is a winning combination. Who knew? So, yeah. He's probably eating his fancy steak dinner right now (turning down the fancy wine with it because he's still Mormon) while the docs and hospital bigshots tell him how great their hospital is. He's arrived, you might say. It's awesome for both of us, really. I'll finally be able to reap the benefits of my job of being his support system through this journey. Those benefits being $$$ and travel. I can go to Target and fill up my cart without stressing! Get some real leather boots that don't peel where the creases are! Maybe take the occasional vacation!
So as he's off being awesome, I'm at home by myself wondering if there's a way I can get salt and vinegar chips delivered to me (the kids are in bed so I can't go to the store.) I'm in luck! Jimmy John's! Chips and Dr Pepper are headed my way right now! The minimum order is $5 so I ended up buying three bags so I wouldn't have to be stuck with one of their shitty sandwiches.
I'm sitting at home watching TV while my husband is being wined and dined by people who want to pay him lots of money. Any minute now my chips will be here. So you might say I've arrived, too.
Update: the chips were delicious.
Update: the chips were delicious.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Kids suck
I fucking hate children. There, I said it. I mean, I love my kids with all my heart. I really do. I love them for the unique little individuals they are and for the funny things they do. And for their potential. But I hate, hate, hate the constant messes. The whining. The constant asking for a snack and then not being hungry for dinner. The tantrum every night when I say it's bedtime. The tantrum every time I say it's time to leave the playground. I didn't have kids because I enjoy kids. I had them because I wanted to create individuals and share my values with them. I can't wait for them to grow up. Jack is almost 7 and we're starting to have mature conversations and I LOVE that. He has offered some really great insights. He's also really decreased the tantrums and whining. So basically I just suffer through the preschool years so I can reap the rewards of older kids. I like them more the older they get. But even though plenty of sanctimommies and sanctigrannies say to enjoy the toys everywhere and sticky walls because you'll miss that when they grow up, I. WILL. NOT. Nope. Never.
Because I have to think deeply on everything that enters my head, I'm also going to comment on the social narrative that women are supposed to enjoy childcare. That narrative led me to believe that stay at home mommyhood would be absolutely the best thing ever, even though I was terrified I would hate it. Guess what? I was right. I shudder to think how many women aren't giving their best to the world because they are trapped in SAHM-hood. Because they didn't ever reach their educational potential because they were always told having kids would make them happier, and it's super hard to get education for a high paying job when you already have munchkins running around. My girls will NOT be taught that narrative. I mean, dammit I want grandkids, but not at the expense of my girls' happiness. Hopefully they'll grow up in a world where they can reach their potential AND share equally in childcare with their spouses so I get my grandkids. But LOLOLOLOL we just elected Donald Trump, gender equality ain't coming to the US anytime soon.
I mean, think of all the talented women who aren't out discovering alternative energy technology and solving the world's problems because of this social narrative. Think of all the men out there who would be SO great at being stay at home dads but aren't because they're expected to "provide" and now they hate their jobs. How much better would the world be if everyone was encouraged to foster their own unique talents regardless of gender, race, economic standing, etc. What can I say, I'm a dreamer.
I also realize that the fact that I can even envision a life where I reached my potential instead of going along with the narrative is a sign of my extreme privilege. I mean, I'm white and relatively well off. The only thing holding me back was the idea that I was "supposed" to be a stay at home mom. If I had been black and poor, there would have been a whole lot more obstacles than that.
Being raised Mormon is definitely a large part of why I feel this narrative held me back, but it would be short sighted to think it's just a Mormon thing or even just a Christianity thing.
So if I hate kids so much, why do I have three of them? Well, there's really no turning off that biological urge. And like I said I wanted to raise good individuals and pass on my values to them. I credit that with bringing me the first two. I thought I could be done after that, but I was still pretty steeped in the Mormon idea that two was not enough in 2014 when I got pregnant with Violet. But make no mistake, even though she drives me batshit, I'm fucking glad I have her. Her personality rocks. She's going to grow up to be one kickass woman. But one thing's for sure. I am DONE. This baby factory is closed. I also have great respect for anyone who fosters or adopts. I won't be doing that. I can barely handle my 3. I will be donating money to organizations that help people who foster and adopt though (as long as they aren't the type that are like white people who want to adopt black babies to "save" them. That shit can go die in a fire). I just can't do it myself.
Once in a while I get a twinge for a fourth. I know I can't be pregnant again or handle another child but I do get that twinge. I've boiled it down to one fear. I'm not sure if it's a rational fear or not, but here it is. I am legitimately scared that people with progressive beliefs do not reproduce at as high of a rate as conservative folks. If the conservatives keep making more conservatives, and progressives don't keep up, where is that going to get us in the future?!? So should I do my part by raising one more progressive voter? Or is that a completely irrational idea? And how does that balance against the whole "more people are bad for the planet" thing. I mean if the only people reproducing at a high rate are people who believe God will rapture them before we destroy the planet, then does my having one who I will teach to care for the planet actually justify bringing another human into the world? Arghhhh. Life's frustrating, unanswerable questions.
A later post: what things specifically about my upbringing do I feel held me back from having a bigger career and what would I do if I had it to do over
Because I have to think deeply on everything that enters my head, I'm also going to comment on the social narrative that women are supposed to enjoy childcare. That narrative led me to believe that stay at home mommyhood would be absolutely the best thing ever, even though I was terrified I would hate it. Guess what? I was right. I shudder to think how many women aren't giving their best to the world because they are trapped in SAHM-hood. Because they didn't ever reach their educational potential because they were always told having kids would make them happier, and it's super hard to get education for a high paying job when you already have munchkins running around. My girls will NOT be taught that narrative. I mean, dammit I want grandkids, but not at the expense of my girls' happiness. Hopefully they'll grow up in a world where they can reach their potential AND share equally in childcare with their spouses so I get my grandkids. But LOLOLOLOL we just elected Donald Trump, gender equality ain't coming to the US anytime soon.
I mean, think of all the talented women who aren't out discovering alternative energy technology and solving the world's problems because of this social narrative. Think of all the men out there who would be SO great at being stay at home dads but aren't because they're expected to "provide" and now they hate their jobs. How much better would the world be if everyone was encouraged to foster their own unique talents regardless of gender, race, economic standing, etc. What can I say, I'm a dreamer.
I also realize that the fact that I can even envision a life where I reached my potential instead of going along with the narrative is a sign of my extreme privilege. I mean, I'm white and relatively well off. The only thing holding me back was the idea that I was "supposed" to be a stay at home mom. If I had been black and poor, there would have been a whole lot more obstacles than that.
Being raised Mormon is definitely a large part of why I feel this narrative held me back, but it would be short sighted to think it's just a Mormon thing or even just a Christianity thing.
So if I hate kids so much, why do I have three of them? Well, there's really no turning off that biological urge. And like I said I wanted to raise good individuals and pass on my values to them. I credit that with bringing me the first two. I thought I could be done after that, but I was still pretty steeped in the Mormon idea that two was not enough in 2014 when I got pregnant with Violet. But make no mistake, even though she drives me batshit, I'm fucking glad I have her. Her personality rocks. She's going to grow up to be one kickass woman. But one thing's for sure. I am DONE. This baby factory is closed. I also have great respect for anyone who fosters or adopts. I won't be doing that. I can barely handle my 3. I will be donating money to organizations that help people who foster and adopt though (as long as they aren't the type that are like white people who want to adopt black babies to "save" them. That shit can go die in a fire). I just can't do it myself.
Once in a while I get a twinge for a fourth. I know I can't be pregnant again or handle another child but I do get that twinge. I've boiled it down to one fear. I'm not sure if it's a rational fear or not, but here it is. I am legitimately scared that people with progressive beliefs do not reproduce at as high of a rate as conservative folks. If the conservatives keep making more conservatives, and progressives don't keep up, where is that going to get us in the future?!? So should I do my part by raising one more progressive voter? Or is that a completely irrational idea? And how does that balance against the whole "more people are bad for the planet" thing. I mean if the only people reproducing at a high rate are people who believe God will rapture them before we destroy the planet, then does my having one who I will teach to care for the planet actually justify bringing another human into the world? Arghhhh. Life's frustrating, unanswerable questions.
A later post: what things specifically about my upbringing do I feel held me back from having a bigger career and what would I do if I had it to do over
Average White Girl probs
So I decided I need to get out my thoughts. About everything. Politics, religion, racial issues, feminism, you know, all the fun topics. Now is the time to write it all down. Then in a few decades when everyone comes out of the nuclear bunkers, maybe someone will find my writing and know what life was like for a white liberal in 2016 in a part of Ohio that actually voted in favor of Hillary Clinton. (Sadly, Mahoning county was one of only 7 Ohio counties that didn't vote for a racist demagogue who is probably going to lead us into nuclear war). But the Trump supporters are here, nonetheless. I can barely look at fellow white people in the eye because I know they probably voted for the monster. Our county only voted for Hillary because Youngstown has a fair amount of POC, who, as a group, are clearly smarter than us white people. Also, the average white American is pretty fucking racist.
But I digress. This blog will be written in the style in which I talk to myself in my head. Which includes a fair amount of profanity. I can't talk like that out loud because most the people in my life are Mormon and they don't like it. But sometimes (a lot of the time) I have thoughts that words like "frick" and "dang" just don't do justice for. Where did I get such strong feelings? It's a mystery. Everyone in my family seems content to express even their strongest opinions with words no stronger than "dang." That just doesn't do it for me.
On to my newfound coffee addiction. It started about 2 months ago when I finally told my sister Holli about my decision to leave the church. She said she wasn't too surprised (but I'll come back to that). She was the first person besides Derek that I told. Just telling someone gave me the mental freedom to do something I'd always wanted to do: taste that delicious smelling coffee that had been strictly forbidden my entire life (see Word of Wisdom--as Mormon a thing as there ever was). There was a sample table at Sam's Club handing out cups of their brand of joe. I put some cream and sugar in it, because that's what people do, and wandered the store with it. It was as delicious as I had always imagined. And the rest of the day I wasn't tired. I didn't have my 1:00 pm exhaustion crash that I usually have. A few days later I got the famous Pumpkin Spice Latte from the Starbucks at Target, a favorite of white girls everywhere (I was even wearing a sweater with leggings and boots). I've been hooked ever since. Derek knows. My kids don't. I'm not ready for them to slip to Grandma that mommy drinks coffee. She's still coming to terms with me not being part of the church. So I only get it on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays after dropping Lily off at school. I stop at the McDonalds drive thru on my way home then come home and add vanilla creamer (that shit costs extra at McDonalds). Which reminds me, I need to hide my creamer before my mom comes to visit this weekend. The only one that sees me drink it is Violet (currently 18 months) and she's not telling anyone.
Why do I think anyone might want to read my thoughts? Well, first, I don't plan on sharing this anytime soon. Maybe someday. But also, if Tomi Fucking Lahren has a big enough following for a TV show (is it a TV show or just on the internet? Don't care enough to google) then clearly the bar for sharing thoughts is pretty fucking low. So here I am.
So, why did I leave the church. That's a complicated question that won't be fully answered in one post. In a nutshell, I've struggled my entire life to believe what I've been taught. I never had the burning, "I Know" feeling that I was taught would come if I had enough faith. I never got answers to prayers to help me make big decisions. It was so freeing to me when one day, several years ago, I decided to just make decisions with my own logic and feelings instead of waiting for God to tell me what to do. When I was 20 years old I had my interview with the Stake president to get married(Bob Homer--I'll never forget that guy) and he told me all kinds of regressive bullshit, like that my education was secondary to my husband's, that I should have kids ASAP because my planned 3 remaining years of college were too long to wait (lol, I got baby hungry earlier than I expected and Jack was born in my last semester of nursing school). That interview was what really changed my relationship with the church forever. About 3 years after that I stopped wearing garments regularly and it felt so. good. to have a breeze on my skin again. But it still took 6 years after that for me to tell my family that I was done with the church (and I still added the clause "for a while" because I knew it would be easier for them to take if they thought I might come back someday, but I don't actually ever see that happening). I could probably write a book about everything that went through my head in the 9 years between my temple recommend interview and the day I told my family I was done with the church. Maybe someday I will.
I'll be back with more thoughts the next time I have some. For now I'm off to work on the afghan I'm making for my mom for Christmas. I decided to make it on December 5th so I'm crocheting like a madman to get it done on time. See, I still have some cultural Mormon in me.
But I digress. This blog will be written in the style in which I talk to myself in my head. Which includes a fair amount of profanity. I can't talk like that out loud because most the people in my life are Mormon and they don't like it. But sometimes (a lot of the time) I have thoughts that words like "frick" and "dang" just don't do justice for. Where did I get such strong feelings? It's a mystery. Everyone in my family seems content to express even their strongest opinions with words no stronger than "dang." That just doesn't do it for me.
On to my newfound coffee addiction. It started about 2 months ago when I finally told my sister Holli about my decision to leave the church. She said she wasn't too surprised (but I'll come back to that). She was the first person besides Derek that I told. Just telling someone gave me the mental freedom to do something I'd always wanted to do: taste that delicious smelling coffee that had been strictly forbidden my entire life (see Word of Wisdom--as Mormon a thing as there ever was). There was a sample table at Sam's Club handing out cups of their brand of joe. I put some cream and sugar in it, because that's what people do, and wandered the store with it. It was as delicious as I had always imagined. And the rest of the day I wasn't tired. I didn't have my 1:00 pm exhaustion crash that I usually have. A few days later I got the famous Pumpkin Spice Latte from the Starbucks at Target, a favorite of white girls everywhere (I was even wearing a sweater with leggings and boots). I've been hooked ever since. Derek knows. My kids don't. I'm not ready for them to slip to Grandma that mommy drinks coffee. She's still coming to terms with me not being part of the church. So I only get it on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays after dropping Lily off at school. I stop at the McDonalds drive thru on my way home then come home and add vanilla creamer (that shit costs extra at McDonalds). Which reminds me, I need to hide my creamer before my mom comes to visit this weekend. The only one that sees me drink it is Violet (currently 18 months) and she's not telling anyone.
Why do I think anyone might want to read my thoughts? Well, first, I don't plan on sharing this anytime soon. Maybe someday. But also, if Tomi Fucking Lahren has a big enough following for a TV show (is it a TV show or just on the internet? Don't care enough to google) then clearly the bar for sharing thoughts is pretty fucking low. So here I am.
So, why did I leave the church. That's a complicated question that won't be fully answered in one post. In a nutshell, I've struggled my entire life to believe what I've been taught. I never had the burning, "I Know" feeling that I was taught would come if I had enough faith. I never got answers to prayers to help me make big decisions. It was so freeing to me when one day, several years ago, I decided to just make decisions with my own logic and feelings instead of waiting for God to tell me what to do. When I was 20 years old I had my interview with the Stake president to get married(Bob Homer--I'll never forget that guy) and he told me all kinds of regressive bullshit, like that my education was secondary to my husband's, that I should have kids ASAP because my planned 3 remaining years of college were too long to wait (lol, I got baby hungry earlier than I expected and Jack was born in my last semester of nursing school). That interview was what really changed my relationship with the church forever. About 3 years after that I stopped wearing garments regularly and it felt so. good. to have a breeze on my skin again. But it still took 6 years after that for me to tell my family that I was done with the church (and I still added the clause "for a while" because I knew it would be easier for them to take if they thought I might come back someday, but I don't actually ever see that happening). I could probably write a book about everything that went through my head in the 9 years between my temple recommend interview and the day I told my family I was done with the church. Maybe someday I will.
I'll be back with more thoughts the next time I have some. For now I'm off to work on the afghan I'm making for my mom for Christmas. I decided to make it on December 5th so I'm crocheting like a madman to get it done on time. See, I still have some cultural Mormon in me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)